I am ok. I am not more than ok. I don't really want to talk about it, but here's the to-do list for today.
1. Get ready
2. Find out how to break my lease
3. Go see Jovanna about how I'm going to pay rent on her couch
4. Take the rabbit to my parents' house
5. Visit Pigeon at work, for explanations and margaritas
6. Possibly go to chiropractor and/or nail salon
7. Go to Social Security so I don't have to waste another damn day feeling like I have no last name
8. Pack
9. Go ice skating and/or to batting cages to take my mind off it and/or beat the hell out of it
Tomorrow, I work at 7 a.m.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Monday, November 05, 2007
The lowdown
This is the email I sent to my friend Jo (who works at my gym) after she'd asked me to give her the details of my marital problems. I don't know how much insight it will or won't give the ten of you, who obviously know me better and know more about the situation to begin with, but I keep promising to fill you in, and copy-pasting seems easier than writing it all out again.
So basically... And this is going to be a lot all out of order...
Thanks to governments and visas and etc, Lui & I were forced to get really serious really fast. We've lived together since we got together - never actually "dated", and we'd decided within 3 weeks of being together (after 4 months of friendship, but still) that we'd get married. We had a ring within 6 months.
Also, in college, I was in a string of bad relationships - I'd been the other woman, the rebound, the one-night stand... been date-raped a few times... etc. Before I left for France, I'd just started dating this really great guy who actually, you know, respected me (W). So I told myself I deserved better, and resolved not to go out, drink, party, hook up with random guys (took a personal vow of celibacy, actually) while I was in France. I told a part of my personality that it wasn't going to exist anymore and let the other part - the grown-up, stays home and studies, thinks it's too much effort to go out every night part - take over completely.
Then I met Lui. And like I said, we were friends. I wasn't necessarily attracted to him, I didn't get butterflies, but we got along really well and could tell each other everything, and one night he told me he liked me, and I turned him down. A few weeks later, he'd met a girl and was planning on going on a date with her, and I was just jealous enough, didn't want to lose him, so I kissed him the night before his date with her, and that was that. It was romantic at the time, I guess, but also (I realize this mistake now) the moment that I kissed him in was when he was telling me about his grandmother who'd just passed away 6 months earlier, and he was all upset and maybe even crying.
So on the one hand, our relationship was probably founded on too much emotion. I feel like he's not a man, and now, three years later, find myself wishing I had a macho guy, a typical asshole, instead of this nice, polite, little momma's boy (and he IS - when our relationship started going downhill a few months ago, he told his mom first - worst thing he could've done), who wants to come home and cuddle and emote. I feel like he can't protect me. During the fires, he was panicking and it was making me panic - and I just wanted to get away from him, because without other people making me panic, I was fine. Sometimes I really think I'm a stronger person than he is, but deep down, I still want to be the girl, you know?
So basically after two years in Europe, playing house with him and telling myself that 2.3 kids and a golden retriever really WERE what I wanted out of life, I moved back here and the part of me that I'd rubbed out started to come back. So now I want to go out and have fun and flirt and drink and make bad decisions, and he feels like I'm not the "girl he fell in love with" anymore, but for some unknown reason, still loves me and wants to get her back. And here I am, tired of nice - from me (because it wasn't really me in the first place - I mean, I'm nice, but I'm not little-wife-nice), and from him.
In the meantime, he brought a bunch of his own issues to the table, having been cheated on by like every single previous girlfriend. So he doesn't trust me, or anyone really, and tries to pull me closer when I try to get away. Bad combination.
Plus we didn't have sex before we got married - because we were STUPID - and are now finding out that we're not really sexually compatible... Something that really we did know already from doing everything else, but figured would get better once we started actually doing it. Not true. And I hate to say this, but I think if we had right away, the relationship wouldn't have lasted.
And I'm having an emotional affair with this guy from my work (Irish). Like, technically, I'm not cheating on Lui, but I am completely attached to this other guy, and we hang out too often and too late at night and hold hands and talk about how in a parallel universe we would date each other. And with him, I get butterflies and all these other things I sort of just realized I haven't felt since I was dating W, before I left for France. Maybe I equated those feelings with bad relationships. Who knows. But I think I hardly ever felt them with Lui, if at all. And I know the first step is to stop seeing that guy in those circumstances, but he's also totally filling an emotional need for me right now, as I'm sure I am for him because he's also laden with baggage (but at least is more macho about it), so it's hard to let go of it. Also, how bad is it that I'm never as turned on while having sex with my husband as I am when this guy does something as simple as putting his hand on my knee?
And here's the really shitty thing - my sister told me last night, while lecturing me about how we need to go to counseling, both individually and as a couple, that she and her husband have known for a while that Lui & I probably weren't right for each other, but didn't know what to say or how to say it, and - much like we were ourselves - were too wrapped up in wedding planning to step back and be like, "Whoa, you guys have serious issues, maybe this isn't the right thing to be doing right now." And if she could see it, probably other people could see it, and the worst part is that I could see it and didn't stop anything either. I've known for over a year now, and I just kept telling myself it would get better...
So that's all of it, pretty much. Sorry if this was more than you thought you were getting. Your turn :)
So, blogging public... Before I start counseling tomorrow... Any questions?
So basically... And this is going to be a lot all out of order...
Thanks to governments and visas and etc, Lui & I were forced to get really serious really fast. We've lived together since we got together - never actually "dated", and we'd decided within 3 weeks of being together (after 4 months of friendship, but still) that we'd get married. We had a ring within 6 months.
Also, in college, I was in a string of bad relationships - I'd been the other woman, the rebound, the one-night stand... been date-raped a few times... etc. Before I left for France, I'd just started dating this really great guy who actually, you know, respected me (W). So I told myself I deserved better, and resolved not to go out, drink, party, hook up with random guys (took a personal vow of celibacy, actually) while I was in France. I told a part of my personality that it wasn't going to exist anymore and let the other part - the grown-up, stays home and studies, thinks it's too much effort to go out every night part - take over completely.
Then I met Lui. And like I said, we were friends. I wasn't necessarily attracted to him, I didn't get butterflies, but we got along really well and could tell each other everything, and one night he told me he liked me, and I turned him down. A few weeks later, he'd met a girl and was planning on going on a date with her, and I was just jealous enough, didn't want to lose him, so I kissed him the night before his date with her, and that was that. It was romantic at the time, I guess, but also (I realize this mistake now) the moment that I kissed him in was when he was telling me about his grandmother who'd just passed away 6 months earlier, and he was all upset and maybe even crying.
So on the one hand, our relationship was probably founded on too much emotion. I feel like he's not a man, and now, three years later, find myself wishing I had a macho guy, a typical asshole, instead of this nice, polite, little momma's boy (and he IS - when our relationship started going downhill a few months ago, he told his mom first - worst thing he could've done), who wants to come home and cuddle and emote. I feel like he can't protect me. During the fires, he was panicking and it was making me panic - and I just wanted to get away from him, because without other people making me panic, I was fine. Sometimes I really think I'm a stronger person than he is, but deep down, I still want to be the girl, you know?
So basically after two years in Europe, playing house with him and telling myself that 2.3 kids and a golden retriever really WERE what I wanted out of life, I moved back here and the part of me that I'd rubbed out started to come back. So now I want to go out and have fun and flirt and drink and make bad decisions, and he feels like I'm not the "girl he fell in love with" anymore, but for some unknown reason, still loves me and wants to get her back. And here I am, tired of nice - from me (because it wasn't really me in the first place - I mean, I'm nice, but I'm not little-wife-nice), and from him.
In the meantime, he brought a bunch of his own issues to the table, having been cheated on by like every single previous girlfriend. So he doesn't trust me, or anyone really, and tries to pull me closer when I try to get away. Bad combination.
Plus we didn't have sex before we got married - because we were STUPID - and are now finding out that we're not really sexually compatible... Something that really we did know already from doing everything else, but figured would get better once we started actually doing it. Not true. And I hate to say this, but I think if we had right away, the relationship wouldn't have lasted.
And I'm having an emotional affair with this guy from my work (Irish). Like, technically, I'm not cheating on Lui, but I am completely attached to this other guy, and we hang out too often and too late at night and hold hands and talk about how in a parallel universe we would date each other. And with him, I get butterflies and all these other things I sort of just realized I haven't felt since I was dating W, before I left for France. Maybe I equated those feelings with bad relationships. Who knows. But I think I hardly ever felt them with Lui, if at all. And I know the first step is to stop seeing that guy in those circumstances, but he's also totally filling an emotional need for me right now, as I'm sure I am for him because he's also laden with baggage (but at least is more macho about it), so it's hard to let go of it. Also, how bad is it that I'm never as turned on while having sex with my husband as I am when this guy does something as simple as putting his hand on my knee?
And here's the really shitty thing - my sister told me last night, while lecturing me about how we need to go to counseling, both individually and as a couple, that she and her husband have known for a while that Lui & I probably weren't right for each other, but didn't know what to say or how to say it, and - much like we were ourselves - were too wrapped up in wedding planning to step back and be like, "Whoa, you guys have serious issues, maybe this isn't the right thing to be doing right now." And if she could see it, probably other people could see it, and the worst part is that I could see it and didn't stop anything either. I've known for over a year now, and I just kept telling myself it would get better...
So that's all of it, pretty much. Sorry if this was more than you thought you were getting. Your turn :)
So, blogging public... Before I start counseling tomorrow... Any questions?
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Happy now?
I broke up with Irish on Thursday.
First, he called me from work to make sure we were still going to the mall to see our puppy. I asked him what he'd done on Halloween, and he told me he'd gone to this girl's house (which I knew) and that something had happened that shouldn't have: they made out in a hot tub.
I hung up on him, punched the wall a few times, and sat on the floor of my bedroom, cursing myself for being upset, knowing that I had no right. He still showed up, sat down next to me, and lectured me for the bruises on my knuckles, saying now he really has to teach me how to fight. He also explained what had happened - how he'd pushed her away twice before giving up, how he'd felt bad because, somehow, he felt like he was cheating on me - like, how could he tell me how much he likes me and then turn around and kiss some other girl? I told him that was more or less why I'd punched the wall.
We went up to the mall and sat in our parallel universe for about an hour; Irish even had a whole conversation with the pet shop employee about how close we were to buying this dog, and had her totally convinced that we were a couple... Which I guess wasn't that far of a stretch.
He went to play volleyball. I went home.
We had a store meeting that night, and about eight of us went to Friday's afterward - the official end of Sober October, and for some reason, two drinks was enough for me. I'd planned on breaking up with him, and I'd planned on being drunk when I did it, but what ended up happening was, instead of sitting in his car and talking like usual, we both fell asleep in our respective seats. When we woke up, around 3:00, I wasn't nearly as eloquent as I'd been in my head all afternoon.
"I can't believe we fell asleep," I said. "There were things we were supposed to talk about tonight."
"Like running away together?"
I smiled. "No... I have to break up with you."
"I know."
"Lui and I are starting counseling, and we have to give it an honest try, and it's not an honest try if you and I are still..."
"I know. And I hope it does work out for you guys, and I think it will..."
"But if it doesn't - I mean, we're going to put a time limit on it, so we're not just waiting for things to get better for the rest of our lives. Maybe six months, maybe a year."
"I really think you will work it out with him," he said again.
That's funny... I don't.
**I know I have yet to explain to you, blogging public, everything that's wrong with my & Lui's relationship. But I guess I keep thinking I don't have to, because either I talk to you individually, or, as I'm quickly finding out, you all sort of suspected that Lui and I would have these problems all along. So did I. We start counseling on Tuesday...
First, he called me from work to make sure we were still going to the mall to see our puppy. I asked him what he'd done on Halloween, and he told me he'd gone to this girl's house (which I knew) and that something had happened that shouldn't have: they made out in a hot tub.
I hung up on him, punched the wall a few times, and sat on the floor of my bedroom, cursing myself for being upset, knowing that I had no right. He still showed up, sat down next to me, and lectured me for the bruises on my knuckles, saying now he really has to teach me how to fight. He also explained what had happened - how he'd pushed her away twice before giving up, how he'd felt bad because, somehow, he felt like he was cheating on me - like, how could he tell me how much he likes me and then turn around and kiss some other girl? I told him that was more or less why I'd punched the wall.
We went up to the mall and sat in our parallel universe for about an hour; Irish even had a whole conversation with the pet shop employee about how close we were to buying this dog, and had her totally convinced that we were a couple... Which I guess wasn't that far of a stretch.
He went to play volleyball. I went home.
We had a store meeting that night, and about eight of us went to Friday's afterward - the official end of Sober October, and for some reason, two drinks was enough for me. I'd planned on breaking up with him, and I'd planned on being drunk when I did it, but what ended up happening was, instead of sitting in his car and talking like usual, we both fell asleep in our respective seats. When we woke up, around 3:00, I wasn't nearly as eloquent as I'd been in my head all afternoon.
"I can't believe we fell asleep," I said. "There were things we were supposed to talk about tonight."
"Like running away together?"
I smiled. "No... I have to break up with you."
"I know."
"Lui and I are starting counseling, and we have to give it an honest try, and it's not an honest try if you and I are still..."
"I know. And I hope it does work out for you guys, and I think it will..."
"But if it doesn't - I mean, we're going to put a time limit on it, so we're not just waiting for things to get better for the rest of our lives. Maybe six months, maybe a year."
"I really think you will work it out with him," he said again.
That's funny... I don't.
**I know I have yet to explain to you, blogging public, everything that's wrong with my & Lui's relationship. But I guess I keep thinking I don't have to, because either I talk to you individually, or, as I'm quickly finding out, you all sort of suspected that Lui and I would have these problems all along. So did I. We start counseling on Tuesday...
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