Some Fragments

As much as I may profess a dislike for K.T. Tunstall, as well as for Katharine McPhee who butchered it numerous times on Idol, "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" is still one of my favorite songs released this year.

Lui's been here just over a week, and already we've been having a lot of Talks, which I guess is what happens when two Cancers are in a relationship, although lately it's been mostly his fault. He's afraid that I'm going to cheat on and leave him like all his previous girlfriends did; therefore he's super jealous and protective; therefore I feel the need to fight for my independence, and my it's-not-even-that-serious attitude has been coming through pretty forcefully. Don't get me wrong, I understand that he's a stranger in a strange land right now, and usually I'm pretty sensitive too, but right now... If we have to have one more conversation about his goddamn feelings, I might barf.

Also, I've decided that I'm suffering from female sexual dysfuntion, namely Sexual Aversion Disorder (note the acronym), so then we have to have more Talks about that, when again, I just don't care that much right now.

Seriously, if it weren't for my ongoing harmless flirtations with What-if Guy (henceforth W), I think I would go crazy. I'm 24. Why does my life feel so tapped out and mundane already? The other day, I was looking through my photo album circa 2003-04, and I could've cried. I look so young and fun and flirty and sexy and happy and single and, well, drunk. I know that on the inside there was all sorts of drama I didn't want to deal with, that I often had a hard time getting up and facing my own life in the mornings, but at least there was adventure. When did we become adults, and for the love of God, why?

Sometimes it's hard working here because I feel like Polly is going to walk in at any minute and pick up where she left off, and fix all the problems we've incurred, and then I can go back to being the 17-year-old I was when she was last running things. I guess the place in my brain that lets me wait for dead people to show up and take over is the same place where in my alternate life, I didn't go to France, I stayed and went on dating W and am now a completely different (and fantastically more interesting) person; it's the same place that lets Sunshine tell herself that "next time" she'll do things differently, i.e. take her CCS classes more seriously instead of putting so much time into her sorority.

Sometimes it's hard working here because it was in this office that Piano Man fucked me up against a filing cabinet; it was the piano in this rehearsal hall that earned him his nickname (thanks to C-List). Sometimes I remember those moments, and want to call or send him a message, just to see what he'd say. But then I get over it.