Ordinarily, I consider getting the scoop on my fellow choir graduates to be a perk of working here. I get to be a wealth of knowledge on which former choirgirls are now married and popping out babies, and anyone who knows me knows how much I love to gossip. So on Friday, when my boss & I were sticker-labeling a bunch of solicitation letters for our next mass mailing, and she brought up one of my old friends, I was eager to get the scoop.
That is, until she said, "You need to take him off the mailing list... He passed away last week."
She then made me swear not to tell anyone, because the family isn't ready yet. I took a guess at two taboo and not-completely-unlikely causes of death: AIDS and drugs.
"Actually, he committed suicide... In the Bahamas."
That was pretty much where the conversation ended, with her making me swear again not to mention it to anyone, at least not until a formal announcement can be made at one of the alumni gatherings we're having next month. ("To give them a chance to let it sink in, answer their questions, give them a few days to grieve..." But what about me?!) We went on stickering, and I've been left with a bunch of questions, the most pressing of which seems to be, "Why the Bahamas?"
Seriously, this was not someone I would've expected to kill himself. He always seemed happy, outgoing, excited. Also, I wanted to believe that, having survived those rocky formative years, we've gotten over being suicidal - which isn't to say it's unheard of for adults to kill themselves (I actually have two friends who lost their dads that way), but still.
Mostly, I'm angry. Angry at him for committing the ultimate act of selfishness, especially when I was looking forward to reconnecting with him in just a few weeks. More angry at my boss for laying this on me, basically telling me I'm not allowed to seek answers or support, and then going on like nothing happened.
Seriously. I've lain awake the past three nights, and here she is this morning, talking about flyering and auditions and weddings. For fuck's sake.
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2 comments:
And here I thought I was the cause of your sleepless nights...me and the crackhead tent and the 15 degree weather and the rowdy teenagers and that damn air mattress that I made your bladder sleep on....
Well, ok. You didn't help ;)
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