Emo Monday... and Tuesday...

I'm sorry, because I hate to be the girl that posts things like this, but my self-image has been at a low for the past two days, and it really sucks. I kind of feel like enumerating everything that's wrong with the way I look, but I'll try and save you that. Suffice it to say that the laser treatment I had didn't work, and the red marks are not gone - if anything, they're worse - from the sides of my nose... which is too big to begin with. And my hair is constantly flat, and feels heavy - almost sticky - like I need a lighter conditioner (getting one this weekend for sure). And the facials and microdermabrasion that I've been getting in preparation for the wedding are only serving to convince me that my skin is in bad shape: clogged pores that I never would've noticed without scrutiny, I'm now specifically looking for, and of course, finding. Which leads me to believe that the facials and microdermabrasion aren't working either.

So I guess I listed it all off for you anyway. Fuck.

I don't know what brought this all to the surface - my best guess is that I was playing with photos from the past six months and really not finding many tolerable ones. I used to consider myself photogenic; now I wish I was. I was telling Lui about it before we fell asleep last night, and of course he was saying all the things he's supposed to say, about how I'm the most beautiful girl he's ever been with, and how could I, "of all people," have misgivings about the way I look? Um... Because I'm human?

He then went on to remind me that I tend to use other people to boost my confidence, and that I'd just posted a couple new myspace photos, so I should just wait for the comments/compliments to come rolling in. Except that I don't think they will, because the usual suspects (mostly B and W) don't really give me compliments anymore, unless I go fishing for them.

"Why not?" Lui asked.

"They've both backed off because of you."

"Me?"

"Yeah... They're afraid of how you'd react. B even said it to me once: after we were getting ready at his house before Monica's pirate party, I sent him a message telling him he forgot to tell me how hot I looked, and he said he'd noticed I lost weight, but didn't want to say anything in front of you because he knows you get weird and jealous."

"I'm sorry, sweetie..."

"Well, it's just because B likes you and wants to be friends with both of us now, and doesn't want to rock the boat or whatever."

"But what about W? He must say things to you when you talk to him on gchat or whatever." It's obvious that Lui thinks that W is this horrible womanizer, that because W flirts with me in front of him, that he must be ten times worse about it behind his back.

"Not really."

"But didn't he tell you how great you looked on New Year's?"

"Only when pressed." Truth is, when W and I talk on gchat now, it's kinda boring. He refuses to flirt or joke about trading pictures with me, thanks to what happened last time. And mostly, he just talks about his girlfriend, so... boring and ew.

That's sort of where we left it, except that this morning Lui held a sign up to the glass shower door saying, "YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL. I LOVE YOU." Knowing him, he'll send some email to all my friends telling them to compliment me, but that's really not what I'm going for here - cos if I'm not gonna feel it, what good will it do me to hear it?

I'd blame PMS, but I haven't had a period in six months, so that's not really a viable scapegoat anymore... It's just one of those days where I just want to go home and cry.