I want you to want me - anyone?

So between the job saga and the heat and the general disaffectedness, I haven't been sleeping well.

The dreams are, to say the least, bizarre. A few nights ago, I dreamed I was being chased over fences and through bushes by a murderous Catherine Zeta-Jones. I woke up panicking (I hate being chased), woke up Lui, and made him hold me. But I was too embarrassed to tell him it was CZJ who'd been chasing me, so I told him it was just some mean rich lady.

The next night was even weirder. And now that it's three days later, I can't remember the context of the dream, except - we were getting into a puddle-jumper plane, the kind with the roll-away stairwell instead of the actual terminal bridge, and I was the second-to-last one to climb up into the plane. I stepped up the first stair, then turned around and kissed Steven, who was behind me, right on the mouth. The shocked look on his face reflected how I felt at my own actions, and we had this moment - possibly spoken in a hurried whisper - of "what are we going to do now?" And the kiss? It was amazing, however momentary it may have been.

I think I've got this one mostly figured out, but knowing doesn't make it any less disturbing. See, Steven is in love with Neuf - they dated for almost a year before she decided they were better off as "BFF", and of course he doesn't agree because he thought they were better off as "BF/GF" (to go with the lame abbreviations).

I think the point of my dream was, well, how long has it been since I've had someone hopelessly in love with me? And what a great and uncomfortable feeling must it be to know that one of your closest friends wishes you were more? (Admittedly, I've been watching too much Friends lately, specifically the ones where Joey's in love with Rachel.) I had that with Lui for about three weeks before I gave in and kissed him, and now... Now we're married. So I can't help but wonder, should I have relished the flattery and awkwardness a little longer? Should I have relished it forever? If I had, I would have a completely different life now: Lui and I probably wouldn't have seen each other in over two years, and I'd be... who knows? I tend not to think that this would be an entirely negative alternative, but that's also because I'm so addicted to the idea of the unknown.

But why can't I have another friend fawning over me, even now? What is it, exactly, that makes me not desirable anymore? I just want to be the object of something forbidden, want to have someone I can flirt with and know that it's having the ideal effect, want to blur the lines a little and make some bad decisions. Is that really so much to ask?