It's time

Let's just say there was a mess. And that the mess took place (where else? what else do I talk about here?) in my vagina. Or more accurately this time, in my uterus.

Non-babies. Twins that didn't grow. Two blighted ova, which is almost unheard of. Five weeks of waiting, agonizing, grieving, and ultimately anger and frustration as I kept hearing, "Let's wait one more week to make sure." And then, finally, what I didn't want, a week of miscarrying: bleeding, cramping, extreme nausea just before one of the empty sacs, in it's entirely, fell into the toilet. The next morning, a quick, easy (longtime planned) D&C surgery, followed by more (lighter) bleeding, more abstinence, more feeling crazy as my hormones plummeted back to their normal (textbook abnormal) levels.

Yesterday - maybe a day or two before, but definitely yesterday - I finally felt like myself again. Sex sounded desirable for the first time in six weeks. And for the first time in six weeks, I didn't bleed. I can drink again, too, without worrying that it'll make me sick. I can take a joke again, I can handle people at work again (I mean, as much as I ever could). I want to go to the gym again, if not today, then tomorrow for sure.

I feel like I had a life-changing experience. A near-death whatever, but without the death part. Just, sort of a wake-up call. Irish is starting manager training, so we can afford our future, eventual, years-from-now-if-we're-careful-but-you-know-we-probably-won't-be children. I've resolved to spend less of my free time playing online solitaire and watching TV that I'm not really interested in, and more time blogging, reading, drinking warm beverages (or, you know, red wine), maybe working on the Christmas stocking that I started for Lui two years ago (because he said, when I moved out, that he'd still like to have it if I ever felt like finishing it, and it doesn't feel so awkward anymore, and I feel like maybe I owe him that). And I want to get my pre-divorce body back, the awesome one that I had when I was so unhappy and spent all my time in the gym so I wouldn't have to be at home. I want to take more naked pictures while I've still got it, before I really start to fall apart from age or motherhood. I want to make myself the most important person in my world. Irish can be second, and we'll go from there.

(I need recommendations on good, cheap mascara, too, because I can't afford Lancôme anymore, and when it comes to beauty regime frivolous spending, I've got to pick my battles, and as always, I pick hair removal.)